shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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