Jerry, you need to find god
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
