You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
