aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
