Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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