I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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