yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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