I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
