I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
