you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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