Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
