So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
