Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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