If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
