remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Small penises have feelings too.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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