Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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