Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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