Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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