Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
