I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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