I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
