so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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