you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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