Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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