i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
