I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
