Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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