I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
