yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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