Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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