fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
