dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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