I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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