Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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