the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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