Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
