im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
