Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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