Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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