By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
