Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
