Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
