Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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