You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
