A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
