woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
