dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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