I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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