just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
