how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to calm my uterus...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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