Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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