Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
