Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
