oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
