Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
