I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
