We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
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Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
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I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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