I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
