He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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