I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
