she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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