Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
